I would like to thank the Last Door for the opportunity to share a bit of my story and talk about how recovery has given me my heart back. It wasn’t to long ago that I found myself on the steps of the Door with only 1 pair of clothes and absolutely no hope for anything better in life than being a back alley dope fiend.
As a kid I remember never feeling okay with who I was, not at home with my family or with my friends at school. Some traumatic stuff happened to me growing up and I didn’t handle it very well. I chose to hold in my feelings and went through life on the outside looking in.
When I was 13 I got loaded for the first time and I remember thinking “this was it”. I no longer had to worry about if anyone liked me, I could talk to girls and I could finally be myself. As I grew older staying high became the most important thing in my life. I didn’t care who I had to lie to, steal from or manipulate to get more of what I wanted. By the time I turned 21 I was living on the downtown east side doing whatever it took to stay high.
I floated through numerous treatment centres and recovery houses, never actually wanting to change. If you were to ask me what was different this time around than my previous treatment attempts, I would say that it boiled down to me making a choice. I was sick and tired of abandoning my family and avoiding taking responsibility for my life. This was my second time going through the program and the staff was very aware of my patterns. So they presented me with an opportunity to choose recovery or do what I have always done.
Along the way I learned how to trust those around me, to finally let my wall down. I was able to have fun and take ownership for my life. The more I leaned into my friendships and into Narcotics Anonymous the more I got my heart back. I started caring more about the clean time of the guy sitting next to me than my own. Getting a chance to stay at Last Door’s Keystone Retreat Facility was the turning point for my recovery; I learned how rewarding it was to invest in my own recovery and to give back to the place that was saving my life. My family got a chance to recover with me, every time I got a chance to visit them I could see the glow in their faces coming back. I got an opportunity to take a real look at how my actions affected them and to make amends for the harms I had caused them. By the end of my stay at the Last Door I was able to look my father and the rest of the world in the eye. I no longer had to be ashamed of who I was.
There is a formula that we are taught during our stay at the house, we call them “ the basics”. I had a choice when I transitioned into my own to follow this formula or to do what I had always done. I made sure to hook in at the Door regularly and attend 4-5 meetings a week. I don’t take from my family and I keep my word. I made a commitment to pay back my family for the money that I took from them and to this day I have never missed a payment. I took service positions at my home group and through our regional activities. This is who I am, I have everything I could have ever asked for and more. As long as I stayed connected to my community and doing my basics Ill never have to be that person ever again.
Jordan G, Door Boy